This weekend we’re supposed to pick up Schmitty’s ashes at the 5th Avenue Vet Specialists. For some reason, I have been really hesitant about going. I feel as though that is going to finalize his death for me. (I’m still having to remind myself of the fact that he’s gone, to be honest.) The thing that really kind of haunts me is how much is he going to weigh? This bugs me so. I don’t want to pick him up – his ashes – and compare them to the living Schmitty.

I won’t ask if this is normal because when it comes to feeling sad and dealing with death, whose to say what’s normal? But I wanted to put my fear out there on the off chance others felt the same way.

I was very hesitant when I picked up Cinders’ ashes as well. She was always a tiny little thing, more fur than anything else, and the box was very light as well. I sat in the parking lot of the vet’s office for probably a good half hour with that box in my lap and just wept. It was a difficult day, but in the end I think I did feel a bit of closure.

http://www.jenblossom.com/photos/kitties/cinders

I am ashamed to say that we still haven’t picked up Schmitty’s ashes. We did call the hospital and let them know we’re not flaking. The woman who answered the phone was awesome. She said, “Oh, you know have to explain. People aren’t always ready to collect their companion’s ashes right away. take your time. Some people wait a year to the day – not that I’d recommend doing that, but still.”

She was super sweet.

It’s funny, because I still have these moments where I have to remind myself that he’s not coming home. I still cry whenever I see certain pictures and I cry whenever I open cans of tuna or use the can opener at all, really. (He used to come running every time he heard the can opener.) I still cry whenever I accidentally call his name at night to get him to come to bed. Habits are hard to break.

But I am feeling better. I still miss him greatly, but now Tobyjoe and are able to laugh about him and talk about how great he was. (Before, if anyone brought him up, I’d burst into tears.)

We still haven’t picked out or purchased an urn yet from our friend. I need to take care of this soon. There’s a part of me who doesn’t want that closure. Weird, I know. But somehow in the back of mind I keep having to remind myself that he – as a cat – no longer exists. :[ This breaks my heart having to realize it again and again and his ashes are going to really solidify that point.

OK, so I lied. It still hurts a lot when I let it. I just opened up pictures we took the day he died and it really hurt. I’d like to post them here but I’m not sure that’s the right thing to do. If toby sees them, he’ll probably cry as well.

I guess I’ll avoid that folder of images until I’m further along.

Man, I miss him.

(This was written with Murray climbing all over my keyboard and arms. I think he’s trying to cheer me up.)

Big hugs, sweetie.

Well, we finally got Schmitty’s ashes last week and it downright nearly killed me. He is so light. So light. And I miss him so much. It breaks my heart that he’s in that form now and I can no longer squeeze him. A world without this guy is never going to be easy. I can’t believe he’s gone. I’d give anything to see him again – the healthy him. :[

Man, do I miss him. I miss him so much. But he’s home again. He’s back. I guess.

We just picked up my dog, Diamond’s, asshes yesterday. We were suprised to see how HEAVY they were. It was very emotional and we put the box in front of our other dog, scout, because she never got to say goodbye. I no how u feel, it makes everything seem so absolute and final.